Oy vey! Yesterday’s peace about DH turned into today’s nightmare. DH’s peritoneal catheter (which basically sticks out of his abdomen) leaked all over the place. Which is not a good thing. We ended up taking a trip mid-day to the surgeon to get it stitched up.
I just finished remaking the formerly soaked bed.
A side effect of renal failure is brain fog. And let me tell you, I saw some brain fog today. And because I have some trouble differentiating between brain fog and pigheadedness, anger erupted.
Then fear arose as I contemplated a future either without DH or one in which he can’t think, can’t walk, can’t care for himself, much less care for the kids. Other options seemed remote today. That fear returned again and again during the day. I admit I cried. Not a few times.
What about that calling to ministry, God? Did you dial the wrong number when you decided to pick up the phone?
I must say, He did show up at one point.
Due to the aforementioned
pigheadedness brain fog, my own stubborn response, DH’s inability to move fast (when he has to move, like to the door and up the stairs), and the trip to surgeon, we got behind schedule. I would be late picking up DD from school and later to her violin lesson because I had to do DH’s dialysis ”exchange” for an hour when we got home.
Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly a gentle (trusting God) and quiet (before others) spirit. More like a tornado over water.
So we get to the violin lesson – after I had some “words” with both DH and DD for their failure to cooperate with my agenda. And the teacher is late. We rush to get there. And the teacher is late.
God whispered into my ear, “I had you covered all along.”
I sensed thereafter that He is telling me, “You need to start trusting me. You need to come to me. About everything. I’m teaching you to rest in me about everything, even this seemingly insurmountable obstacle of DH’s health. You need to come to me for every step, every decision, every thought. I have you covered. I did call you – and I called you to the job – and I’ll take care of the details. Trust me.”
Let me inform you, dear readers, that is no easy task under the current circumstance. I showed very little trust today. Very little. Thank God there is always tomorrow.
And as I sat on the bedroom floor tonight waiting as DH’s catheter drained into a bag (what amounts to man-made urine), I read tonight’s Scripture – that beautiful passage in Isaiah that Jesus quotes in His first sermon in Luke, a very encouraging Psalm (“You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD! He is [your] help and their shield.” Psalm 115:11 ESV), and this:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6:10-20 ESV)
You’re familiar with the passage.
The bold parts are those that jumped out today. We are in warfare (no doubt!). God can help us stand firm. He does bring peace. He provides all that we need. Focus on the Cross, on His saving Love for me. Stay in the Word.
And remember to pray at all times (I personally absolutely cannot handle the load on me without His help – or I will totally fail and mess up like today).
Paul went to jail for proclaiming the gospel.
What’s a little health blip compared to that privilege? Well, today, the health loomed larger. Hopefully tomorrow things will change!
Today’s Readings: Isaiah 61:1-62:12, Psalm 115:9-13, Proverbs 26:24-26, Ephesians 6:1-24. See About for what I’m up to with these daily posts. Your daily blogger, Holiday Longing (Reproduce with permission only).